By reading this horoscope, you consent to any dispute arising out of or relating to your sign to being finally settled by three astrologists appointed in accordance with the Rules of Astrology in force at the time. As provided by Article 13(5) of the said Rules, the third, or presiding astrologist, shall not be of the same sign as any of the parties.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You think you are rebelling against convention by applying domestic practices in international cases. If American, you do not feel fulfilled without massive e-discovery; if English, you can’t have a hearing unless it is preceded by “skeletons”; if Indian, you can’t even have a hearing (you insist on “sittings”). Oh, dear Aquarius, this is not rebelling. It’s just annoying.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Arbitration astrologers have a name for an irrational fear of early determination of dispositive issues. It’s called “Pisces.” You are correct that one of the parties will be unhappy if you decide the main issue now. Do you think they’ll be any happier to get the same result after incurring the expense of a hearing and waiting 10 months for your award? Get over it. Also, it turns out the final award will make both parties unhappy. Sorry.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You are known for putting long hours into arbitration, but the results are often more puzzling than useful. Does the world really need a “Zack Snyder cut” of Achmea? In 2021, your best days for a hearing are during the week of October 11. Avoid all the others. Consider a career in institutional case management.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Despite your dramatic performance skills (or perhaps because of them), Taurus should strongly favor written, post-hearing submissions instead of closing oral arguments. Also, if you are on the cusp of Aries, check volume 3 of your most recent hearing bundles for missing documents. If you are on the cusp of Gemini, check all of the bundles. Typical careers for Taurus are co-arbitrator and driver education instructor.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Arbitrator Intelligence was not named after you. Well known fact: the IBA adopted its color code to make it easier for arbitrators to understand what conflicts of interest to disclose. Little known fact: the original plan was to distribute crayons to Geminis. Practice tip: there is no yellow list. Also, PO 1 does not refer to the post office for submitting the first round of pleadings. Nutrition tip: eat plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables to stay healthy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Although the final award will inevitably be determined by your date of birth and the alignment of the planets, check the rules before you file your request for arbitration or the answer. Seriously. Do it now. Be extra careful because Mercury will be in retrograde from May 29 to June 22, completely zapping all the positive energy from your cases. There is only one way to avoid this: stop believing in astrology. Also, your lucky number is infinity.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Ad hoc arbitration was created in order to torture Leos, as if it wasn’t already enough to spend a year adapting to “virtuality” in proceedings. And now that you’ve finally found a comfortable place to work, Ikea wants you to stop using their furniture section for remote hearings. Suitable careers for Leos are arbitration advocacy and ice hockey.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A famous Virgo once said, “the best arbitration awards are those that are indistinguishable from what can be found inside a fortune cookie.” (Lucky thing your colleagues do not read your horoscope.) Yes, Shakespeare did write, “brevity is the soul of wit,” but bear in mind that this was spoken by Polonius, and he did not survive beyond Act II. The majority of Virgos pursue arbitration-related jobs in academia. The others go into motorcycle repair.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You were destined to become an arbitrator. As a child, you divided everything into equal parts, especially the food on your plate. Despite a serious lack of table manners, your innate fixation on a balanced approach is useful for drafting procedural orders. It’s less helpful when it results in final awards that would make King Solomon cringe. The best arbitration career for a Libra is mediation.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpios are forever searching for clear rules to guide them. This is a consequence of Pluto as your ruling planet. The ancient founders of astrology had no idea Pluto existed – it was not discovered until 1930 – and in 2006 it was declared not to be a planet. So, according to “science,” your best years in arbitration were between 1930 and 2006. Most tribunal secretaries are Scorpios.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The frequency by which Sagittarius counsel submit demands for excessive document disclosure is exceeded only by the denial of document requests by Sagittarius arbitrators. This is one of the great mysteries of arbitration astrology. Also, Sagittarius dresses funny at hearings. No one knows why.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Due to unfortunate circumstances we cannot disclose (due to the confidential nature of arbitration), the Kluwer Arbitration Blog is unable to publish a horoscope for this sign.
*Moonchild is CEO of Moonchild Astrological Arbitration (MAA), a global leader in zodiac-based predictions of arbitral awards, homeopathic timetables, and traditional, non-Western solutions to procedural ailments (also known as the Prague Rules).
DISCLAIMER: The Kluwer Arbitration Blog disclaims any and all liability owing to the improper use of astrology, sorcery, or full body massages in arbitration. Any resemblance to actual proceedings, living or deceased, is purely coincidental.
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What an entertaining and insightful post! I found the description given for Scorpio oddly resonating. Feeling slightly bad for those practitioners who are Capricorns:))